Like with sports teams, most people just adopt the religion of their parents and the location they were born. But choosing a religion is potentially the most important decision you’ll ever make, since it’s the only decision you make that could have infinite impact.

Rather than putting all their eggs in one basket, the Unitarian Universalists pull religious wisdom from many different religions. The philosophy that all religions are partly true may sound appealing if you are afraid to commit, but it downplays the fact that many religions are mutually exclusive. You’re either going to be reincarnated, or go to heaven forever. It can’t be both. Many religions require you to have certain beliefs or follow certain rituals to get into heaven or have a good reincarnation in your next life. If those religions are true, Unitarian Universalism is as good as atheism.

If you’d rather hedge your bets than gamble on a single religion, you can do better than Unitarian Universalism. Here I introduce the idea of Unsureism: the notion that exactly one religion is correct, but we have no good way of knowing which one. The Unsureist attempts to hedge their bets as much as possible, following the rituals and requirements of as many religions as possible to ensure the best odds of a good afterlife or next life (hereafter referred to simply by the term “afterlife”).

First and foremost, an Unsureist tries to be a good person. That’ll improve your odds of a good afterlife dramatically. Whether it’s the Hindus that turn out to be correct or the Jews, most religions prefer their adherents to be good people. Since different religions have different ideas of what being a “good person” means, the Unsureist keeps a catalog of as many as possible and tries to follow them all. If Judaism turns out to be right, then the Unsureist will be happy to have followed the Seven Laws of Noah, assuring them a good place in the World to Come. This requires not killing people, not eating flesh torn from living animals, and so on. On the other hand, if the Zoroastrians are correct, then it’s best to — aside from being a generally good person — adhere to specific prohibitions against lying, or contamination of the earth by corpses. Hence, you should have a sky burial. Though this contradicts the Ancient Egyptian requirement to be buried with a copy of the Book of the Dead, so either the Unsureist will have to choose between the two, or perhaps be buried (with the Book) in a watertight plastic casket that cannot pollute the surrounding Earth.

While simply being a good person or following some basic commandments will satisfy the requirements of a lot of religions, some religions are not so open-minded. Some religions are entirely closed to converts, like Manaeism, Yazidi, or Druze. You are either born a Druze or you aren’t. Fortunately these closed religions don’t tend to punish non-members in the afterlife. How unfair would that be?

The religions the Unsureist has to worry about the most are the religions that do allow converts, but do not allow for “dual citizenship”. Christianity requires that you accept Jesus Christ as the savior, and prohibits worshipping other gods. Islam requires that you worship Allah, and doesn’t let you worship other gods (though depending on which Muslim you ask, other “People of the Book” — that is, Jews and Christians — can still get a good afterlife). The Baháʼí Faith requires that you accept Baháʼu’lláh as the latest prophet in a line including Jesus and Muhammad. Of these types of religions, the Unsureist may feel they essentially have to pick one. I would recommend Christianity, as that one gives you a shot of getting into the Muslim heaven as well. And even the Baháʼí heaven, since they’re fairly inclusive about who gets in.

There is another strategy for handling these exclusive religions, however. The Unsureist can accept whichever god happens to be true into their heart, and to worship and have faith in that god, without being explicit about their identity. You believe in “God”, but aren’t clear about who that is. This would be a genuine belief, only an ill-specified one. Mere belief is usually not enough. You also have to have specific beliefs about that god. For example, you must believe this god was raised from the dead, in case he is Jesus. But that’s no problem if another religion turns out to be right. Usually a religion won’t send you to hell just for believing some inaccurate things about their god. A muslim probably won’t go to hell if they erroneously believe Allah was raised from the dead, but otherwise follow the necessary beliefs and requirements of Islam. You must also believe this unspecified god is one god only, according to Islam. The Unsureist must figure out all the necessary properties that this god must have and believe they have them all, without specifying who they are exactly. If the religion also requires belief in a certain messiah or holy book, we use the same trick to believe in them without specifying their identity. Through all this, the Unsureist can never be accused of worshipping the wrong god, only of having some incorrect beliefs about that god, which is usually not a sin bad enough to condemn you to damnation. You’re not engaged in “idol” worship, because you’re not worshipping a god other than the one that exists. You’re worshipping the god that exists, whosoever that is.

If any properties that a god, holy book, or messiah must have for one religion are incompatable with another religion, then there’s a more general solution: You simply believe that the set of necessary properties a god must have are true, without specifying what those properties are.

These exclusive religions usually have exemptions for people who were never properly exposed to the faith. They aim to punish people who reject their god, not those who never heard of him. The Unsureist therefore believes in shielding children from specific knowledge of any of these infohazardous religions, and would prefer if nobody knew about them.

Aside from simply being a good person and accepting the correct god into your heart, religions usually have a bunch of specific rules and rituals their adherants must follow. For some religions these are more necessary than others. Maybe they’re needed to get you a good afterlife, or maybe — as in the case of Mormonism — they only ensure an even better afterlife. In any case, the Unsureist tries to follow as many as they can.

The Unsureist does not eat pork, beef, or in fact any meat at all, which is required for Jainism, as is nonviolence in general. Jainism gives us other rules like not cheating on your spouse, not stealing, etc. Lying and stealing are bad form in many religions, of course. Unsureists must also meditate on the name of God, as Sikhs do, and pray toward Mecca five times per day, as Muslims do. The Unsureist doesn’t consume caffeine, drugs, or alcohol, only eats with their right hand, does not mix fabrics, and walks on fire to honor Lord Murugan. And they have a coin placed in their mouth before burial to pay Charon to cross the River Styx, in case the Ancent Greeks were right. (Someone suggested to me at an event that mapping out the requirements of different religions that an Unsureist must follow could be a viable Effective Altruism cause area.)

The Unsureist will be very busy keeping up with all these rules. It’s worth it to have a much higher chance of a good afterlife than any single religion. Fortunately, they’ll have plenty of time to rest, since they’ll be taking three days off work every week: Friday (Islam), Saturday (Judaism), and Sunday (Christianity). If you became an Unsureist, you would also have religious holidays and special days nearly every day. You’d have to fast during Ramadan. And during Lent. And Yom Kippur. And Ekadashi. And Paryushana. Expect to do a lot of fasting, actually. But that’s fine; you can eat when you get to heaven.

Posts tagged "religion"