Hey,

I noticed there was a “failed delivery attempt” to my address by Purolator (tracking number XXXXXXXXXX). I thought I’d reach out because this is not conceptually possible.

The delivery item is a $20 tub of psyllium husk powder, so logically no signature is required for delivery. Maybe if the shipment was a wooden chest of rare African diamonds, or a Steinway & Sons grand piano, I would understand the need for a signature, but presumably if you left my psyllium husk on the porch as Amazon does with their packages and Canada Post does with theirs, it would be fine. The item is not one that would degrade or spoil from sitting on the porch for a few hours.

As for the house in question, this is a residential address, not a castle. There is no gate, and no armed guards. You simply walk up to the porch and set the package down. As a courtesy, I have even filled in my moat, so the delivery driver will no longer have to leap over a legion of hungry crocodiles to get to my front door.

In addition, the house is not ambulatory, nor a mirage that only appears on certain days, or when certain conditions are met. The house is always in the same location, and it’s trivial to walk up to it and place a package on the porch. It is not possible for an adult human being to attempt this delivery without succeeding. As such, I can only assume it was never attempted, and the delivery driver drove right past without even slowing down. (Are you aware they have a reputation for doing this? I once saw it with my own eyes!)

Amazon has successfully delivered hundreds of packages to this location without a single failure. If Purolator fails again, we can safely attribute that failure to a problem on Purolator’s end, rather than something unusual about my property that makes it hard to deliver to. Maybe you can think of some good excuse why this had to happen, but you should consider that Amazon doesn’t feel the need to make such excuses, and simply delivers the package every time. Needless to say, you will only have fulfilled your obligation to me if the package actually arrives.

Hoping the second attempt succeeds,

Taylor G. Lunt

But, of course, I didn’t send this. I didn’t want to dump a snotty essay onto a customer service representative who was just trying to do their job. Instead, I thought I’d go with the simple:

Hi,

A delivery attempt for my order failed today (tracking number XXXXXXXXXX). I was wondering what caused the delivery to fail.

Thanks,

Taylor G. Lunt

Not as entertaining, but more productive. It’s a shame that we have to interact with capitalist bureaucracy through employees, like customer service reps, who represent their bosses, but are not responsible for any failures. You can’t get angry at the wait staff in a restaurant, no matter how bad the experience. Nothing bad that happens is personally their fault; you’d be yelling at the wrong person. And the right person? Nowhere to be seen.

I suppose the correct target for my letter would be John Ferguson, the President and CEO of Purolator Inc. I did some digging and found the CEO’s email address, and I sent the letter there as an email. I’m sure the @purolator.com address is managed by some corporate employees rather than by Mr. Ferguson himself, but at least they’re probably higher up in the food chain than a lowly customer service rep and, if nothing else, might find it amusing.

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